I put three cutlets on my plate – my husband got angry and said that it was time for me to lose weight.
Six years of marriage, three children. The eldest, Vanya, already goes to kindergarten, my daughter Dasha is at home with me, and the youngest, Seryozha, is still in my arms. My name is Olga, I am thirty-five. It would seem that everything is as it should be – family, children, husband. But the further I go, the more I feel like I am dissolving in this routine.
I met Igor when I was almost thirty. All my friends were already babysitting the children, discussing kindergartens and loans, and I was still waiting for my man. Work, home, rare get-togethers with friends – that’s how the days dragged on.
And then he appeared – tall, fit, a former hockey player, now a shop foreman. I didn’t even think that he could like me. But he courted me: flowers, meetings, conversations until the morning. And when he invited me to meet his mother, I realized he was serious.
His mother, Anna Ivanovna, accepted me right away, called me “cutie” and hinted to Igor that it was time to get married. We got married, and a year later Vanya was born. Then Dasha, then Seryozha. Since then, I’ve been on maternity leave, and my life is diapers, porridge, and endless cleaning.
I used to be slim – 50 kilograms. Now – almost 80. I used to have time to go dancing, but now even taking a shower without a child’s screams is a luxury. I tried to do exercises – but as soon as I sat down, one asked for food, the second fell, the third cried.
At first, Igor laughed: “My chubby”, “chubby”. Then he stopped. The looks became colder, and then the words:
– Have you seen yourself? You look like a nightstand.
Yesterday at lunch I took three cutlets – I hadn’t eaten since morning. He abruptly took two back into the dish and said:
– Stop eating. Have you even seen a mirror?
I was speechless. And he added:
– If I find another, it will be your fault. I need a woman, not a shapeless chick.
Like a knife to the heart. I kept silent, but everything inside me sank. “He’s right,” I thought. “I’ve let myself go, I’ve gotten fat, I don’t take care of myself. Who am I now?”
But I also want to dress nicely, go to a salon, sit in a cafe at least once. But all the money goes to the children, clubs, the mortgage, Igor’s clothes – he’s the boss, he has to look decent. We also help Anna Ivanovna – her pension is meager. Not a penny for myself.
Sometimes I cry in the fitting room. Things fit terribly, everything is tight. In the mirror – a tired, swollen aunt.
He earns well, but there is never enough money. And I am without work, without my own money. A vicious circle: I can’t get a job because of the children, and without work – there is no way to change anything.
I am afraid that he will leave. I notice how he looks at slender, well-groomed people. I try, but I have no strength. Between cooking, washing and cleaning, I am just a shadow.
Anna Ivanovna scolds him:
– You have a golden wife, a mother of three children! Are you going to break up a family because of a belly?
I cling to these words. Maybe he will come to his senses? Maybe he will remember why he loved me? But for now – only fear.
Sometimes in my dreams I am the same, light, beautiful. And then in the middle of the night Seryozha screams – and again pots, diapers, fatigue.
I am no longer a woman. I am a function.
And every day the same question: “What if he really leaves?”
**Conclusion:** A woman, dissolving in the family, should not forget herself. Otherwise, one day you may wake up and not recognize in the mirror who she was.